I’ll Be Seeing You

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.”
— Marcus Tullius Cicero

My maternal grandmother passed away on April 1, 2015. She was 75 years old.

When I received my aunt’s phone call that morning at work, I thought, “This must be a joke. It’s not funny.” When I called and texted my family, they all thought the same. Well, my sassy grandmother did have a sense of humor; she passed away on April Fool’s.

As I sat there looking at her lifeless body, I kept thinking that she was just going to wake up and greet me as she usually does, “Mev Npauv  (Her nickname for me—a play on the English pronunciation of my name), koj tuaj los (A general Hmong phrase to welcome someone into your home)?

I knew she wasn’t going to wake up, but a part of me was in denial. She was going to greet me and then scold and nag at me for whatever reason, like usual. My dear grandmother couldn’t have possibly left. I still needed more time with her.

Grams knew she didn’t have a lot of time left. I always took her to withdraw her monthly SSI check. And each month, because she knew I would refuse the money she tried to give me, she would hand me a $20 bill and tell me to split it for my two children. However, in March, she handed me two $20’s and said, “Muab ib daim rau koj muab faib rau koj ob tug me nyuam. Daim no kuv muab rau koj saib ua dab muag cia (Split this one for your two children. Please keep this one as a memento of me).” Maybe I knew she was going to leave too, because I accepted it without resistance.


For as long as I can remember, Grams has always been a second mother to me. When my father left when I was 12, she helped my mother nurture and take care of me and my 6 siblings. She was the voice of reason when my mother was being unreasonable. She loved to sew and passed that love down to my mother and then to me. My grams was also a woman of tremendous knowledge, despite being illiterate. She had a profound knowledge of Eastern medicine and grew many medicinal herbs in her backyard. She was a mother and played her role with great wisdom and a big heart.

Grams suffered greatly the last couple years of her life. Her heart was broken when someone very close to her betrayed her trust. She was struggling with mending the relationship, her resentment, and broken heart when, a year later, she was diagnosed with cancer. She told me that although she didn’t want to die, she just didn’t have the energy to hold onto life anymore. Thus, we watched helplessly as she withered away.

I’m glad I got to spend as much time as I did with her the last 2 years. I got to know my grams on much deeper level than I could possibly have. I got to know Sao Vang, the Hmong woman who never wanted to marry but was bride-napped; the Hmong woman who lost a husband and braved the Vietcongs and Pathet Lao and brought her family to Thailand; the Hmong woman who suffered from the injustices of the Hmong patriarchal system.

It has been almost 4 months since her passing. Struggling with the loss of a loved one is hard. There are moments when I miss her terribly, and today is one of those days. But I do find solace believing that she is in a better place, watching over us.

Niam Tais, peb nco nco koj heev. And as Frank Sinatra sings, “I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places…

Thirty Life Lessons

Happy BirthdayI turned 30.

When I was younger, I used to think that 30 was old. Being a teenager or fresh out of high school, I could not fathom being 30. Thirty is old! So old! I’m so old! My life has ended…. (<—sarcasm).

I am no sage, but I have learned many things while trekking through life. Many of them I learned from my own experience and others I learned from watching people live their lives. Some of them are very cliche (yeah, I know; life is a bunch of cliches). I’ll share 30 of them with you today.

  1. Not everyone will like you.
    Don’t expect people to like you. Stop going out of your way to please those who only look at you with disdain. Put that energy in fostering relationships with those who care for your time and love.
  2. Give freely without expectation of reciprocation.
    There’s the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This makes us believe that if we do good for someone, that person owes us or that person should exhibit a similar behavior towards us. We cannot predict another person’s actions, and we cannot hold another person accountable for something we did for them (unless, of course, we had an ulterior motive). My golden rule: Give freely without any expectation of reciprocation. You will end up being much happier and less full of resentment.
  3. Focus on the things that you can control.
    There are many things in this world that we cannot control. The weather, our work environment, certain situations, and other people—just to name a few. Instead of putting our energy on things that we cannot change (as we tend to do), try focusing on the things that we can change. It leaves room for less stress.
  4. Create healthy boundaries.
    Recognize that we have a right to our personal boundaries. We get to say no.  It’s about us making sure we are allowing ourselves to have relationships with others, while at the same time, making sure others are not crossing the line.
  5. Forgive.
    Forgiveness is as much for oneself as it is for the other person. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened to you, but letting go of the resentment that came along with the experience.
  6. Do self-care.
    If you don’t take care and love yourself, no one else will. Take time outs from your hectic schedule and have some “me” time. Read a book, paint, get a massage, spend time with family/friends, make your annual doctor appointments. Self-care also means setting healthy boundaries (Number 4).
  7. Stop comparing.
    There are two types of self-comparing-talk. One is “She is such a successful person; I want to be just like that!” The other is “She is such a successful person; why can’t I be like that” or “I will never be like that.” The latter prevents us from growing to our greatest potential. We are our own individuals. There is no point in comparing ourselves to others if we are going to bring us down.
  8. Communicate.
    No one is a mind-reader. If you want something, speak up or you will never get it.
  9. Stop waiting on good things to happen to you.
    It bothers me when I hear people say, “I’ve done enough good for the world. It’s now my time to sit and wait for the good to befall me.” The good—whatever that is to you—will come to you if you work for it. Good things don’t come to people who do nothing. Good things come to those who are always striving for good (Refer back to number 2).
  10. Acknowledge your mistakes.
    Let go of your ego or your pride. Acknowledge your mistakes, apologize, and learn from them..
  11. Don’t hold grudges.
    When I was younger, I used to think that the longer I hold a grudge, the more it’s going to hurt the other individual. I was wrong. The only person I hurt was  me. I was filled with such resentment that I became toxic to myself and the people around me. This goes along with number 5.
  12. Be alone.
    Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.
    This video does a great job articulating what it means to be alone:

  13. Family doesn’t necessarily mean blood.
    I am blessed to have many people come into my life who I’m proud to call family. They may not be from the same mother and father, but they’ve been with me through so much that we’re practically family.
  14. Everyone has a story.
    Before being quick to judge someone, whether it is from their appearance or from gossip, remember that that person may have a story that you do not know about.
  15. Be flexible.
    As the famous Confucius stated, “The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” Give up control when time doesn’t call for it.
  16. Don’t assume things.
    Don’t assume or read between the lines. Your assumption could lead to misunderstanding.
  17. Gratitude.
    Be thankful. Don’t take things for granted.
  18. “Stop and smell the roses.”
    Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we are always going and going and going. Time passes quickly. Be mindful and stay present because we can never get that time back.
  19. Spend quality time with family.
    This ties in the the previous one. It’s safe to say that the reason why many of us work, why we strive to better ourselves is for family. Sometimes we get so caught up with these things that we forget the main purpose of why we work so hard. Quality time does not mean being in the same room doing separate things. Give your undivided time and attention to those you love.
  20. Lose the toxic people in your lives.
    It doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends for 10 years or if they’re family. Toxic people will bring you down, hurt you, lie to you, and more. It is especially hard to deal with these people when they are unaware that they’re polluting the people around them. Sometimes, we just have to put up very strict boundaries with toxic people—one of them being writing them out of your life.
  21. Celebrate.
    Celebrate life, love, anniversaries, birthdays. Celebrate anything you feel happy about. Just celebrate.
  22. Laugh.
    Laugh a lot. It can cure many things.
  23. Cry. A lot.
    There is no shame in having emotions, even negative ones. Embrace it. Feel it. What really matters is how you deal with the negativity in your life.
  24. Create a strong support system.
    You’re more likely to overcome hard times when you have a strong support system, people who can go to when you’re down. They are those who will tell you like it is, but not judge you or make you feel this little.
  25. Simplicity.
    Adults make life too complicated then complain about life being so. Declutter. Get rid of things that are taking up space. This applies to all aspects of our lives: physical space, emotional space, and material possessions. Create more free time and let go of busy-ness.
  26. Be a kid.
    Learn from kids. They have life down well. They make it so simple. Sleep when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Play when you’re bored. Express yourself without holding back. Make up when you’re over it. Give hugs and kisses freely. Love unconditionally.
  27. Breathe.
    Don’t forget to breathe. Sometimes, just taking some deep breaths will be the medicine you need to de-stress.
  28. Give Respect.
    Everyone deserves respect. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like the person, if you admire the person, if the person is a family member or a stranger. However, don’t expect others to respect you just because you respect them. There will be people who do not respect you and that should not matter (refer to 1, 2,  3, 21 and more).
  29. It’s okay to be perceived as a bitch.
    When you’re assertive and people don’t like it, you’re a bitch. When you know what you want and work for it, you’re a bitch. When you’re opinionated, you’re a bitch. When you set boundaries and people don’t like hearing no, you’re a bitch. When you stand up for yourself, you’re a bitch. Yes, there are circumstances where it’s okay for people to think you’re a bitch.
  30. Take ownership of your life.
    This is the most important. All of the above relate to this one one way or another. Reiterate: MOST IMPORTANT (Yes, I’m yelling because it’s important!).Your parents may think they know what’s best for you. Your friends may believe they know you. But only you can be the captain of your life. You get to make decisions for yourself. No one else knows you as much as you know yourself. Sometimes the process of getting to know yourself takes a long time, but essentially, you get to decide what you need and want.Taking ownership of your life also comes with taking ownership of your issues and mistakes. Because when you do, you can finally do something about them instead of constantly blaming others for your misfortune.

Did we all make it out alive?

My family and I have survived the zombie apocalypse, along with the meteors, earthquakes, tsunami waves, and aliens abducting Tom Cruise. Yesterday was the most disasterrific day of my life! I am thankful to be alive, although I am hiding out in a shelter, away from the flesh-eating creatures outside.

I really want to know, did everyone make it out alive? Will anyone read my blog anymore?

Well, if you are living and able to read this, I just want to announce that there will be a giveaway in the upcoming weeks. This is to celebrate surviving the 2012 End of the World.

My Mermaid (Part 5)

This post is part of the My Mermaid series.
Click on the links below to take you to previous posts:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

miss pupik on Flickr

I was 19 years old, going to be a sophomore in college. I thought about how a child would affect my life and that of my boyfriend’s. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell him? But my biggest fear was not knowing how my mom would react to the news.

I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Every waking hour, I thought about my pregnancy. After thinking long and hard about my options, I finally made my decision. I was ready to tell him.

“I’m late,” I said.

“You mean your period?”

“Yes. And I took a pregnancy test. It came back positive.”

“Are you sure?”

“The nurse at the junior college confirmed it.”

We didn’t say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I was not going to keep it. I didn’t know what he thought of the pregnancy or of abortion. I didn’t know if he’ll accept and respect the decision that I had made without him.

After a few minutes, he said, “If it’s a boy, I’ll call him Junior.”

“Junior? Eww, no,” I replied. Although I was happy to hear him take responsibility, my heart also felt very heavy. How was I going to tell him now?

The next week came and he didn’t visit me as he usually did. I called him, but he didn’t pick up. And when he did pick up, he didn’t want to talk. He was fishing—fishing all the time. I tried to talk with him about what we were going to do now that I was pregnant. “I don’t know” was his answer each and every time.

I was angry, frustrated, and heartbroken. How dare he ignore me when I was most vulnerable? How dare he say he doesn’t know what to do now? He said he cared, but his actions contradicted his words. I didn’t have the patience to wait this out; this was an urgent matter. I was pregnant, scared, and lost. Who knows what my mom would do if she were to find out. If he didn’t want to be around during the time when I needed him the most, so be it.

So, I called to tell him it was over between us. He came over within 30 minutes. He wanted to talk. I didn’t even look at him. It was too late. We were over. He stayed for 15 minutes, silent in the living room while I ignored him in the family room. Then he left.

And that was the last time I saw him. It has been 20 years and although I am married with children now, I still think about him from time to time.

Just kidding! And here you thought the story ended. We’re almost done though.

The next day, I received an email from him.

“I went driving Thursday night to wherever and almost got into an accident. It made me think that you and my little junior are important. It’s just that I have a lot of stressful things on my mind right now. That’s why I go fishing a lot. It helps take the stress away. Hopefully you are understanding what I’m trying to say. If not, then I guess I can understand. But please just give me a call. I know we can work this out. We have been through many harder situations. Love you…”

I thought that if he was as stressed out as I was about this, then why didn’t he come to me? We’re in this together, weren’t we? And even if he was worried about other things, I’m his partner, so why not share his struggles with me?

His last two lines echoed in my mind. I know we can work this out. We have been through many harder situations… I thought about how much we had endured ever since our first meeting. We finally conquered the prejudice that my mom exhibited toward our relationship. Was I really going to throw it all away? I cried my heart out that night.

The next day, I called the abortion clinic and made an appointment.

My boyfriend kept emailing me, asking me to call him, to give him another chance. He didn’t ignore me on purpose. He was having family problems at home. It wasn’t the pregnancy that’s keeping him away. He wanted to work things out. He had a plan. He was going to quit school and work two jobs to support us if he needed to. He wasn’t ready to let me go.

I drove to his house. I wanted to talk about our relationship and about the pregnancy. But every time I opened my mouth to speak, the words clung to my uvula. All I could do was let out a sigh each and every time. We sat in separate couches in his living room like strangers. We couldn’t say anything to each other. After 30 minutes, I went home.

He emailed me that night and told me that if it’s easier, we could talk through email. I replied by telling him how hurt I was. This was when I needed him the most and he wasn’t around. He apologized. Then I told him, I had decided to get an abortion without letting anyone else know. I also told him that I still loved him.

He was happy that I still wanted to be with him. However, he was sad to hear that I was going to get an abortion.

“I don’t know how it’s going to be like with a baby or how hard it will be, but I really want to keep it. However, if you feel you need to get rid of it, then go for it. I support your decision.”

I was really sad to hear that, but I didn’t change my mind for many reasons. Fear of my mom was one of them. She must not know about this or I’ll receive something so much worse than what I’ve experienced so far. I was at the edge of breaking. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep myself together if my mom were to confront me about anything at this point. And another reason was that I wasn’t emotionally or financially ready to take care of a child. I wanted to be secured enough so that my children will grow up in a stable home. I have received tremendous criticisms about my decision from the Hmong community, especially from anti-abortion people, but it has never bother me. I do not regret this choice I’ve made.

My boyfriend and I didn’t tell anyone about what we did. We knew the repercussions. If we weren’t forced to get married, he would be “fined” and have to “fix” me. Then we’d probably never be allowed to see each other again. These were the Hmong traditional ways of handling a pregnancy and abortion. It was either marriage or you cut ties all-together. We were not ready for marriage. We were stuck in a lose-lose situation and secrecy was the key to preventing these traditions from taking over. However, my efforts to keep my abortion from my mom was all in vain. And when she did find out, the marriage my boyfriend and I tried to avoid was inevitable in our eyes.

My sisters and I were not really close growing up for many reasons. I was 3 years older than the oldest of them. Three of my younger sisters were only 1 year or less apart in age, so they shared many interests and had a sisterly bond. Additionally, because of the things I was going through with my mom during adolescence, I had distanced myself from them.

My sisters found out about my abortion by reading my diary and going through my discharge paper work from the clinic (Yes, very stupid of me to have not thrown them away immediately). And because I wouldn’t take them with me that fateful day to my boyfriend’s house, they ratted me out.

As I expected, my mom was angry. I had ruined her reputation by getting pregnant. And not only that, but I had gotten an abortion and came back into her house. This was the ultimate shame any unmarried Hmong daughter could bring to her family and ancestors.

My grams was over and she jumped in as well. With two people telling me how wrong I was and reminding me of every single mistake I’ve made until then—in addition to realizing that my sisters didn’t have my back—I went berserk. I screamed and shouted and my mom did the same. I took off running because I couldn’t stand my mom berating me for ruining her reputation. I didn’t even stop to put my shoes on. I ran barefooted across the busy street a block from our house. A car whizzed passed me, nearly missing me by inches. My boyfriend caught up to me and with tears in his eyes, he yelled at me, “Did you know that car almost ran you over? Don’t you do anything stupid!”

He pulled me into his arms and it was then that I calmed down. I always felt the safest and most secure in his arms and so I just closed my eyes and let myself cry.

My boyfriend wanted to take me home, but I told him I did not want to go. I was afraid of my mom and angry at my sisters and myself. I needed time. After a few hours of driving around aimlessly in town, he received a phone call from his brother. My mom had contacted his older brother and let him know what we did. The voice message on his phone said, “You either marry your girlfriend or ‘fix’ her (ua neeb kho).”

That night, we talked about our relationship and our future. Do we love each other? If so, how much? What were our options? No, we didn’t have any choice because we are Hmong.

I had always tried to run away from the cultural traditions that I despised so much, but in all my effort, I never got far. In the end, I was very much tied to these traditions. No matter how much I ran, I couldn’t escape that I am Hmong. I was a helpless young Hmong woman whose fate was already sealed the minute she got pregnant and had an abortion. There was nothing we could do at this point, we both thought. And so, I went home with my boyfriend that night.

Of course, we were pressured to get married. But that didn’t matter. We never talked about marriage, but we knew in our hearts that we were going to marry each other some time in the future. And even though this was not how or when we wanted to get married, we felt we had no choice. My mom set our wedding date for June 26th.

There were a lot of tears during my wedding. I realized that day how strong my mother’s love was for me and how hurt she was that I was getting married. Despite her pain and anger, she cared so much about me that she didn’t make the wedding negotiations hard for my husband’s family. I was thankful. I cried tears of regret for putting her through so much. It was the words she said to me during my wedding that made me realize she was more disappointed than angry. She was disappointed at the fact that our relationship had deteriorated so much that I couldn’t go to her when I was in trouble. “Why didn’t you come to me for help when you were pregnant?” Why didn’t I? Because, Mom, we had such a dysfunctional relationship that I didn’t see that as an option.

Today marks my husband and my 8th wedding anniversary. It has been 13 years since I met this boy in baggy clothing. I may never know why he decided to retire his gangster ways. He won’t tell me. I like to think that I had something to do with it (yes, he didn’t see a good future with me if he continued his bad ways), but I would be giving myself too much credit. Ironically, he is now a juvenile probation officer, working with teens like his adolescent self. My mom is a proud mother-in-law.

Even though my mom and I still have our differences in opinions and beliefs, our relationship is a lot better. We are still mending it and we have some ways to go. Living apart from each other has improved our relationship immensely. I doubt we will ever truly get to a place of complete mutual understanding because culture is the biggest barrier. I truly love, respect, and appreciate her—more-so now that I have children of my own. Additionally, I know my children and I have a long hard road ahead of us. I don’t want to treat them the way my mom treated me. I am already establishing open communication with them so that we will always have dialogue. I appreciate everything that my mom has done for me, and I hold no grudge to what we went through during my teen years (I don’t condone child abuse no matter what the circumstances and my mom had no right to treat me the way she did, but I have forgiven her).

Class of 2009, Cum Laude

In fact, my mom is the person who planted that feminist seed in my mind with her refusal to remarry and her fight for respect from the Hmong community. Despite her traditional values, she has influenced me indirectly with her actions. She taught me how to be a strong Hmong woman and stand up for my rights. Hmong females are taught from an early age to listen and honor our parents, and one way of doing so is staying silent. I have broken down that barrier with my mom and now I’m not afraid to voice my opinions.

My partner stood by me through so much. He had the choice to leave and not go through the verbal abuse that my mom put him through year after year. He could’ve said, “Fuck this shit. I’m out of here.” But he stayed with me. And I’m really grateful for him.

Even though my Mermaid and I have been together since we were very young, I believe our relationship was mature beyond our years. We had to endure so much from my mom that we didn’t have time to put ourselves through other stuff. We built our relationship on a foundation of trust, honesty, respect, communication, and compromise. But most importantly, we were real with each other. We never made silly promises like we’ll love each other forever. I truly believe that promises only create unrealistic expectations in any relationship, and we never had any of that. We just lived in the moment and took everything as it came because we didn’t know what tomorrow will bring us.

My Mermaid dropped out of college to support me through college. We both value higher education, but since it wasn’t feasible for the two of us to be working and going to school, he decided it would be best for me to finish college. Why would you want your wife to be more educated than you, others have asked. Aren’t you afraid she’ll run off with a more educated man? Well, I’m still here, aren’t I? No other man can ever take the place of this mermaid.

My Mermaid and I share parental and household responsibilities. We are not bound by traditional gender roles. He helps cook, clean, and takes care of the children. Heck, he encourages me to have time to myself. It doesn’t affect him when other men criticize him for “allowing” me to be an equal. And ever since I started volunteering and working with victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, I have come to appreciate him even more. He may not be a perfect person, but he is perfect for me in every way.

Some would only speculate that after this many years, the fire must’ve died down. Sorry to disappoint my readers, but the fire is very much alive and the butterflies are still fluttering. Of course the dynamics of our relationship has changed with the addition of two gargantuan balls of energy, but the essence of the relationship we have built is still there. He still looks at me the same way as he did 13 years ago. He still makes me feel tingly and warm inside with either just a look, a kiss, or a touch. I am still very much in love with him and I know that he loves me even more. We also haven’t stopped communicating through notes, although nowadays, it’s more in the form of emails and text messages.

My views on love and marriage has changed over the years, but some things stayed the same. I am still not a hopeless romantic: still don’t believe in love at first sight, a soul mate, or happily ever after. Love is not destined or fated. To me, love is something one must put effort into if one wishes to see it last. It’s not an easy task and there will be times when you feel as if you just want to give up. In order to live “happily ever after,” one must do the work.

I have always been fascinated with mermaids. To me, they are mystical creatures that represent something beautiful, rare, and uneasily attainable. Is it possible for a creature to have the body of a human and tail of a fish, breathe underwater and sing on land? Is it possible to find love at such a young age? Is it possible to fight for something only you see the value in? My husband is the mermaid I caught from the sea. He is my impossible turned possible and I’m truly blessed to have him in my life.

They say there are many fishes in the sea.
I don’t want a fish.
I want to catch a mermaid, and when I do, I’m never letting go.


My Mermaid (Part 4)

This post is part of the My Mermaid series.
Click on the links below to take you to previous posts:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

I was studying for finals.  My mom was gone the whole weekend and when she came home, she complained bitched about the house being a mess.  She yelled at me for not being like other Hmong daughters and keeping the house spotless clean.  This was not the first time and I knew it wouldn’t be the last.  I was tired of her comparing me over and over again to these Hmong girls in town whom I had no desire to be.  I yelled at her to stop comparing me because I am my own individual and it hurts my feelings when she does so.  “How would you feel if I were to say that you don’t love me the way I see other mothers love their daughters?”

My mom was furious.  She yelled obscenities at me, calling be a bitch and a slut.  Then she grabbed my hair and dragged me around my room.  She pushed me here and there, still holding on to my hair.  For 3 years, I had endured my mom’s physical abuse without ever hitting her back.  This time I had enough and I fought.  I grabbed her hair and pulled it just the way she was pulling mine.  I even punched her a few times so she would let go.

My mom’s boyfriend saw what was happening so he tried to break us up.  He pushed my mom off of me, grabbed me and held me to my sister’s bed.  My mom took advantage of him holding me down and sat on me and started to strangle me.  She said she was going to kill me because I was a disappointment to her.

My mom’s boyfriend pushed her off of me.

He stood between us and tried to reason with her, “Puas yuav zoo koj siab yog tias koj muab nws tua tuag kiag lawv ma (Will it really please you if you killed her)?”

Kuv yog nws niam.  Kuv yug nws thiab tus nws loj hlob li no.  Nws txiv khiav mus tso nws ua ntsuag.  Tsuas muaj kuv xwb, kuv thiaj li ua rau nws noj thiab nws hnav.  Kuv xav hais tias thaum loj hlob tuaj es yuav hlub kuv no.  Niag maum dev ntawv tsis hmloog kuv lus.  Tseem muab kuv piv rau lwm tus thiab.  Kuv tua nws lo tsis ua li cas.  Kuv yeej tsis cia nws ua li no rau kuv li (I am her mother.  I gave birth to her and nurtured her.  Her father left her an orphan.  It was me who fed her and clothed her.  I thought that once she’s older, she’ll love me.  That bitch doesn’t listen to me.  She dare compare me to others.  It won’t matter if I kill her.  I won’t let her do this to me).”

I was torn—completely confused and frustrated.  My heart ached for my mom.  I realized what a failure I was as a daughter when I heard these words.  I had hurt my mom so deeply that she felt the only way to solve our problems was to kill me.  However, a part of me felt that it wasn’t right.  I should be allowed to be myself without worrying if I’ll measure up to someone’s expectations.

Anger took a hold of me.  I had had it.  I ran to my bed and grabbed the glass lamp on my nightstand.  I didn’t know how to cope and couldn’t deal with my mom anymore.  So, I hit myself on the head with the lamp.  It didn’t break.  I did it over and over again until my mom’s boyfriend stopped me.  He told me to calm down and talk with my mom.  I sat on my bed, looking down at the floor.  My head was throbbing, but I couldn’t feel the pain.  I didn’t know if it was bleeding and I didn’t care.  I was numb.

Kuv tsis xav nrog nws tag.  Txij hnub no mus, koj txhob muab kuv hu ua niam lawm.  Koj yuav mus hu leej twg niam los kuv tsis khe (I don’t want to talk with her.  Don’t call me mother from now on.  You can go call someone else Mom for all I care),” my mom shouted at me and left my room.

My mom’s boyfriend spoke to me for a minute, trying to make me understand my mom’s actions.

“You know that your mom doesn’t like your boyfriend.  She doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes she did when she was young.  You and I both know that he is a nice person, but she doesn’t see it that way.  However, she is your mom and she loves you.”

“We weren’t even arguing about him,” I cried.

After he left, I just sat there in the room that I shared with my sisters and cried.  No one loved me and the one person who loved me I’m not even allowed to see.  When I stopped crying, I went to the bathroom to wash my face.  To my horror, there were bruises of my mom’s hand prints all around my neck.  I cried even harder.  I was so depressed.

I couldn’t call my boyfriend, not after this fight I had with my mom.  I also couldn’t call any of my friends because none of them knew what was going on at home.  Friends at school saw me as a cheerful girl who didn’t have to try hard to get good grades.  They didn’t know about the struggles I was going through or how I would change for dance class in the girls’ restrooms to hide my bruises.

There are many ways teens cope with their problems.  Some turn to drugs or alcohol.  Some join gangs.  Others cut themselves.  Me, I self-medicated.  Whenever I felt too depressed to the point of not knowing how to cope, I gobbled down acetaminophen or ibuprofen and went to sleep.  It temporarily took away my pain.  This time, I wanted to take all my pain away for good.

I walked to the kitchen and opened the cupboard where my mom stored her medicine.  Death was the only solution I saw.  I was looking for the acid she used to wash Hmong silver coins, but it was not up in the cupboard.  My mom had a new bottle of ibuprofen, 500 ct.  I took almost all of the bottle.  Why not all, you may ask.  Because I was worried that if I took all of the pills, my mom may not have any pain medicine after I was gone.  After gulping down a cup of water to wash down the pills, I calmly walked back to my room.  I laid down on my bed and awaited my death.

To my disappointment, I awoke the next morning.  I hadn’t died.  Instead I had this HUGE headache and I couldn’t concentrate.  I don’t know if it was from the ibuprofen or from my fight with my mom.  I also had a bump on my head from when I hit myself with the lamp.

I thought, why didn’t I die?  If I had died, I would’ve been free.  Everyone would’ve been free.  I wouldn’t be hurting like I am.  My mom wouldn’t have to deal with a useless daughter like me.  My partner wouldn’t have to deal with my mom.  He would move on with his life and find someone whose mother adored him.

It was a miracle that I didn’t die from taking almost a bottle of ibuprofen.  No one could’ve survived taking that many pills.  I  truly believe that my guardian angel was watching over me that night.  A few weeks later, I saw my mom take out the acid from its usual place in the cupboard to test a new set of silver coins she bought.  Why didn’t I see it when I was looking for death?  My guardian angel had protected me.

I thought I should get ready for school since I was still alive.  I would kill myself that night after everyone went to sleep.  To hide the bruises on my neck, I wore a piece of cloth as a choker necklace.  I didn’t tell anyone about my attempted suicide and have never until now.  Many years after I had gotten married, I found out that my mom suspected it because she saw the almost-empty bottle in the cupboard.

There was nothing to do during dance class because our annual performance was done and over with.  Mrs. Coito was the kind of teacher who deeply cared about her students and took the extra effort to inspire them.  We would regularly have exercises of self-reflection, self-care, and motivation.  That day, she handed out a manila envelope to every one of her dancers.  Inside it were various items to remind us of all the wonderful things life has to offer.  Although I no longer have the manila envelope, I can still remember what was inside:

Eraser: A reminder that we all make mistakes, but we can wipe the slate clean.

Penny: Save this and you will never be broke again.

Marble: To keep you rolling along.

Rubber Band: To keep you bouncing back and flexible.

Candle: To light up the darkness.

Tissue: For drying your tears.

Toothpick: To pick out the good in others including yourself.

Cotton Ball: For the rough roads ahead.

Confetti: To add some sparkle to your life.

Lifesaver: To remind you of the many times others need your help and you need theirs.

Rainbow: A reminder that after every storm comes a rainbow.

Paper Clip: To hold everything together when it falls apart.

A Hug & Kiss: To remind you that someone cares about you!

Thanks to Mrs. Coito, for it was this activity that prevented me from attempting another suicide.  One of these days, I will go back to my high school where she still teaches and personally thank her for saving my life.

The bruises on my neck were so bad, that two weeks later, they were still there.  And so, I attended my boyfriend’s high school graduation without the consent of my mom, with my homemade choker around my neck and a smile on my face.

I was so happy to see him as a graduate, walking on that stage.  The delinquent that my mom belittled had graduated from high school.  She was wrong after all.  However, my happiness was short-lived.  By 7:30 that evening, my mom had already called my boyfriend’s sister-in-law.  She demanded that I come home straight-away or there would be consequences.  And so, my boyfriend drove me home.

I saw more and more of my boyfriend after he graduated from high school.  He attended the local community college, majoring in criminal justice.  And because he now had a car, he was able to come see me more often.  Although my mom and I still had our arguments, she was no longer tripping as much about him as before.  She never looked at him, greeted him, or spoke to him when he came over to visit, but it didn’t matter to me.  It was okay for us to be together now.

Although I was accepted to a few universities, I made up my mind to attend community college after high school.  I was undecided on my major and career goals (all I knew was that I wanted to make a difference).  A community college would help me save money while I shopped around for inspiration for my major and career goals.  Things were looking better.  I was chasing my dreams of going to college.  I was finally able to be with the person I love.  Life was looking good… until I found out I was pregnant.

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