When a man (or anyone, for that matter) says that a female is not “girlfriend material” because she’s too “wild,” what do you think of?  Do you think of a hard-partying girl?  Do you think of an independent woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone?  Do you think of someone who does what she wants to do and doesn’t let anything restrict her from living her life?  Do you think of someone not ready to settle down?  Again, what do you think of when a man says that a woman is not “girlfriend material” because she’s too “wild?”

I don’t think of what she is.  I think of what kind of person he is to have made such a statement.  It says a lot about the man.  It says that he needs a relationship where he has the control.  What kind of control?  Control over his partner and what she can and cannot do.  Why?  Because that is the one thing he cannot do with a “wild” girlfriend—Control.

What is “girlfriend material?”  I’m assuming from the statement that girlfriend material consists of passivity, submission, and obedience.  Someone who listens and does what he wants her to do.  Someone who is ready to let go of her identity, her life and settle down with him.

Wolfgang Staudt via Flickr

Let’s look at it from the man’s point of view so that we won’t misunderstand him.

He doesn’t want a girl who is too “wild.”  A girl who is wild is very independent and values it greatly.  She does what she wants to do and when she wants to do it.  In other words, she doesn’t let restrictions hold her down.  And, she also likes to be around friends and/or have fun (such as party, club, go out).  Marriage is far from her mind.  Of course, we all don’t want a future with anyone who doesn’t listen to you, respect you, or likes to party too much.  We want someone who is ready to settle down and a wild girl is not ready for that.

When we think of our future, we think of being with that other half who completes us.  If we’re controlling, we want someone who bends down to our demands with no complaints.  If we’re jealous, we want someone who knows what triggers our jealousy and will make sure they don’t trigger it.  If we’re possessive, we want someone who knows that they belong to us and they cannot do anything to disrespect that.  So, when a girl is too wild, she’s less likely to bend down, care about what triggers jealousy, and/or respect that she is someone’s possession.

After analyzing it, I finally get it.

Please let me know what your opinions are on this.  Why do you think people, mostly males, would make such statement about a woman?

9 thoughts on “She’s not girlfriend material; She’s too wild.

  1. Society has always been unfair when it comes to woman, a girl and a boy can do the exact same thing but the girls will get the most comments. The phrase “boys will be boys” is often heard when excuses needed for boys actions. I’m not saying all girls are saint, but don’t judge a person. My MIL seems to think that there are no girls good enough forher sons. One Nyab is too stupid, one is too lazy, one is a slut, me, too smart that I won’t listen etc… I don’t care because it’s coming from her – the MIL. But when the guy (bf or husband) that start making the comment, then we better run. We don’t need to spend our life with someone who already form a bad opinion on us. Life is too short to spend with people like that. There are other who will appreciate us better and we deserve to be treated better.


  2. is it you? or is your mother writing this for you still? you loser, you.

    don’t worry, YOUR mother has his own “Girlfriend” anywayz.

    so, you could REALLY only have an actual Girlfriend of your very OWN, and ever actually you TWO could get laid, only if whatever is that Girl to be Your Girlfriend is of course, living HER OWN whole entire life……. HOW TO HAVE SEX 101, DUHHHHHH


    * own Little Girl BEDROOM {only, only she is in there i.e. there are NO other people in there EVER}
    * the MALL??!!!$%$%%&^&*(*($%^#$! ever
    * OWN
    * all the time
    * the Whole World is actually actually functioning

    * we know. you have already forgotten what you were thinking about

    more clues:

    * yesterday – how can someone possibly actually do whatever in the 1990’s NOW

    is it not just you, Man? Do you OTHER boyCHILDREN just, like want to go back in Time. hmmmmmmmmmmm


  3. I am a Hmong woman who is struggling to change, but afraid of ruining my family’s reputation. I like your blog. I am at the lowest of my marriage, he cheated and I am still here trying to be the good wife, mother, daughter, and daughter in-law, even after his mother encourage him to get a second wife because we only have one daughter in ten years. He tells me that it was a mistake and that he loves me and want to work on making our marriage better. I want very much to have a second chance at my marriage. I’m afraid of the labeling Poj nrauj name, even though I have done nothing wrong to damage my marriage. I am the ideal wife that Hmong society talk about, because of how I grow. I want to find the courage and strength to change from an ideal wife to independent, successful, asertive, and educated woman. I feel stuck and powerless. I learned alot from reading your blog regardng Hmong woman.


    1. I am very glad that you have learned a lot from my blog. Individual change is very hard, especially in our culture. I hope you do what you find is in your own best interest. Please remember to take care of yourself during all this and surround yourself with whoever will support you. Good luck on finding yourself and your voice.


  4. Thank you for your reply. We both did some infertility tests and we learned that he has low thyroid and was given some medicince to help his body to make more thyroid. We should be able to concieve soon.
    I love my husband so much. It has been a year since the affair. It feels like he has completely stopped and trying to be a good husband to me. But, my temper is short and I easily get angry and sad about every small things that remind me of his affair. We argued and I noticed that he get angry easily too. I become more assertive and express my feelings about what bother me and talk back to him when I feel that he is wrong. This is why we have more disagreements and a lot of arguments.
    He travels on his job sometimes and I have to trust him again. It has been very difficult for me but I believe that only he has control of himself. I do not wish to be a control love. True love should be given freely. It wouldn’t make a different, if he going to cheat again, he would. I am living with faith in our marriage to only get better.
    In the meanwhile, I will focus on me, finding what I am good at and develop my talents and skills. I want to be independent, an educated woman, and have financial freedom. He still tell me that he makes enough for us and that I do not need to worry about money. I believed him 10 years ago, I was blaming myself that it was my fault for not able to concieve. I was so depressed and focused only on convieving the a son. I didn’t focus on my career. I became the ideal house wife, mother, daughter in-law for everyone else. I have forgotten who I am. I feel lost, and completely stuck in my marriage.
    This New Year, I want to be a stronger woman and will work on finding myself and learn to be happy without demanding my husband’s love. I used to believed that he is my world and my life and did not make contact with my family. Now, I beginning to connect with my sisters and families again, so that I am not alone, without my sisters I could not survive what happened. I felt so ashamed and wanted to die. But now, I don’t believe in dying. I am important in the life of others. I see that other people’s life is better because I was in their life in some ways.
    I do feel grateful for the experiences in my life. It helps me to be stronger person. I am powerful. I am stronge. I am financially independent. I have talents and skills to make my life more fulfilling. I will leave a legacy in this world.
    Thank you for your support.


  5. Well, it is typical among Hmongs and other Asians to want control over because it’s a part of their culture. If their women behave badly by partying wild and having guy friends only, they verbally and physically abuse them. It’s happened to me and a close family friend of mine. Both of us are Filipino and we’re involved with Filipino guys that became verbally and physically abusive, in my case. Why? Because we’re bad girls. We both have a habit of lying and hiding things from our guys. I look at male celebrities and athletes and make sexual comments about them and hang out with people him, my in-laws, and family doesn’t like because I cheated on him three times and he became very controlling and violent. She parties, has a terrible police record, and disrespects her family and in-laws.

    The truth is, most men, especially Asians don’t like bad girls who are Alpha females. They want their women to be good and obedient to them and give up everything they have as well as their skills and talents. They fear women are going to take advantage of them. Another thing, in Hmong and Asian culture, when women cheat, they sure face domestic violence.


  6. Not girlfriend material:

    1. Selfish (common euphemism: “independent”)
    2. Insensitive (blame the guy for being “jealous”)
    3. Uncooperative (common euphemism: “free”)

    Basically the opposite of what makes a relationship work well. Relationships (romantic, friendship, even work partnerships) all demand some qualities to work properly: selflessness, sensitivity, cooperation, coordination, respect, etc. Nobody wants to date, or be friends with, or hire someone who goes off and does whatever the hell they want and doesn’t consider others or try to coordinate their plans with others. It’s like a basketball game where the team comes up with a plan together to achieve something great, and then one person decides to be a hero and charges away with the ball ignoring everyone.


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