I know many Hmong women who refuse to date, let alone marry a Hmong man.  Is this normal?  In my opinion, it’s as normal as someone choosing to only marry within their race or ethnicity.  I’ve heard others criticize and patronize Hmong women who have made this choice (although there have been some progress, interracial/inter-ethnic relationships are still frowned upon within the Hmong community).  Additionally, I have also heard those who agree with and support this life choice.

There is no right or wrong way on how someone lives their life, who they fall in love with, or who they choose to stay away from.  Today’s blog will help you understand why some Hmong women do not date Hmong men.

HMONG CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS:

The expectations of a Hmong daughter—especially a Hmong nyab (daughter-in-law) is—in my opinion—the biggest factor as to why some Hmong women do not date even look at Hmong men.  What are the expectations, you ask?  Let’s see here…

Traditional Hmong families (I stress the word “traditional” here) expect females to follow and uphold the strict gender roles.  An ideal Hmong woman is silent, passive, and obedient.  She is expected to be Super Woman with 10 arms and legs to multitask efficiently 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without rest.  It doesn’t matter if she has a full-time job and/or goes to school, her priorities are her parents-in-law and their needs.  An educated Hmong woman who have dreams and aspirations for themselves may fear the demands of a traditional Hmong nyab.  And to avoid husbands and in-laws who may not agree with their differing life goals, Hmong women may stay away from Hmong men.  Additionally, when your parents have pounded to your head that your only duty as a Hmong female is to honor and serve your husband and in-laws, you may grow up resenting your culture and run the other way.

Mind you, some Hmong families are more progressive than others.  Some have adopted the Western lifestyle completely or have started to give more leeway to a Hmong nyab.  I feel as if during their journeys to seek those who will not confine them into a lifestyle of bearing children and domestic housework, many Hmong women forget that not all Hmong men—or families for that matter—are the same.

EDUCATION STANDARDS:

A woman may dream of marrying someone who will give financial stability, entertain intelligent conversations/debates, and be family-oriented, as well as independent.  No one wants an unmotivated bum who sits in front of the television screen, playing COD all day, someone who jumps from job to job, or someone whose idea of a “good time” is drinking until passing out every night at a friend’s house (Yes, I know I am describing Hmong men stereotypes).  So, how hard is it to find a Hmong man with the standards mentioned?

Statistics show that more and more Hmong women are exceeding Hmong men in graduating from high school and college.  What does this mean?  It means that the more educated a woman is, the more likely she will look for a life partner whose education is up to her level as well.  There could be a lot of reasons for this: 1) someone with a higher education is more likely to have a stable job and a steady income; 2) He is a hardworking, goal-oriented person who values education; and 3) education equals higher intelligence and a more open mind; and lastly, someone with an education and a well-paying job is independent.  Of course, not everyone who has a higher education may carry any of these attributes, but it is more likely.

GENERALIZING:

It doesn’t help that we know so many Hmong men who fit the stereotypes I described above.  It also doesn’t help that our Hmong culture enables domestic violence.  It may also not help if we’ve been through a few crappy relationships with Hmong men.  And from experiences and observations, Hmong women may start to believe that all Hmong men are the same and refuse to seek another Hmong relationship.

Generalizing: we do it all the time.  We, as a society, have generalizations of the poor, the rich, the young, old, fat, skinny, etc.  Many Hmong women may believe that all Hmong men are the same when in actuality, they’re not all the same.  Get to know a Hmong man and you may find that he is different from what you had expected.

79 thoughts on “Why Some Hmong Girls Do Not Date Hmong Boys

  1. I am one of those Hmong woman who is currently dating outside of the race due to my experiences with dating Hmong men. Education is the biggest factor as to why I am not in a relationship with a Hmong man. I may be frowned upon but my current relationship is the healthiest and happiest I’ve been in.

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    1. Sometimes, you have to do things to make yourself happy, even if it is not accepted by family or the community. I’m glad you’re in a healthy and happy relationship. That’s really should be all that matters.

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  2. From my personal experience and evaluation, I think many Hmong men though not always highly educated are very intellectual people, hard working, independent and hold high values regardless of the stereotypes and stigma that society has seem to put on them. Their values lie deep in being family oriented and having cultural values such as being the provider. I always say education can be overrated sometimes because we belittle those who do not have an education standard as high as ours. Sometimes it’s not really OUR choice to not get a higher education but merely our circumstances (of course this can be easily argued by saying that if education is important than they should do whatever it takes to attain it but again some things are easier said than done.) Many Hmong men and boys have a lot of pressure on them and struggles of their own that sometimes can be overlooked by the opposite sex. I think it offensive when women clearly state that they “do not date Hmong men” or if anybody says they only date a certain ethnicity because this is discrimination against their our ethnic group. I feel that no matter who you are love is love so be open minded and don’t box yourself in using stereotypes or past experiences as a measurement of your compatibility with someone.

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    1. I agreed with Nhia Xiong on her last few statements…

      “Many Hmong men and boys have a lot of pressure on them and struggles of their own that sometimes can be overlooked by the opposite sex. I think it offensive when women clearly state that they “do not date Hmong men” or if anybody says they only date a certain ethnicity because this is discrimination against their our ethnic group. I feel that no matter who you are, love is love; so be open minded and don’t box yourself in using stereotypes or past experiences as a measurement of your compatibility with someone.”

      I’m sure Hmong men has their own stereotype against us Hmong women too. It’s sad to see them Hmong men dating other races too when there are so many of us Hmong women still available; having problem finding love within our own ethnicity. All in all, it’s the individual personal preference and should not be apply to every single one. I have HOPES! And my Hmong man is out there in search of me as well as I am in search of him. It just a matter of taking time to meet one another.

      Great article/blog! 🙂

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      1. I honestly don’t think it’s sad seeing a Hmong individual dating another individual of another race. People choose who they want to spend their life with emotionally, physically, and financially. I, on the other hand, don’t find it being offensive hearing people say, “I don’t date Hmong men.” I can easily say, “I don’t date white, hispanic, and black men” and it wouldn’t be defined as discrimination. If someone says, “I hate Hmong men/women, then that would be offensive to Hmong people. We’re all born in a society where we choose who we want to be in a relationship with despite the horrible experiences we may have gone through. Some people may be drawn towards another race more than their own race and it’s completely fine.

        I believe that everyone should keep an opened mind. Every race is treated equally and it’s not harmful to be in an interracial relationship. The only people who will ever feel offended are those who can’t accept interracial relationships and those who can’t see through other races but their own.

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    2. Although I believe that education is very important and it opens up one’s mind to the world outside of one’s culture/lifestyle, I also agree with you that we should not belittle those who do not have an education. Many stereotypes of Hmong men who do not have post-high school degrees are that they are lazy, unmotivated, and stupid. My dear spouse is one of the Hmong men who do not have a college degree. He’s very intelligent, not lazy, has aspirations, and so much more.

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  3. I think the question comes up over the past few decades sometimes in hot debate: at a broader level on why some Asian-background women date non-Asian men and also why some Asian-background men date non-Asian women.

    It is important to remember where the person was at that point in life when they met their partner…face to face. Or when they were dating various guys/gals over a course of time.

    Some areas of North America are not super populated with Asians and not everyone chooses to go for online dating services nor want to go far beyond their geographic location in knowing a person deeply at least for the first few years (I hope it’s not just a few weeks!).

    I did date Chinese-Canadian guys for first few years but things never clicked right.

    I’ve been with dearie for the last 20 years…and he’s German-Canadian. He’s a more naturally neater person which means he is also better at cleaning a house better. He makes the pureed veggie soups, creative salads, desserts while I throw together the stir-fries more naturally, homemade focaccia, etc. It does help in terms of sharing values, intuitive understanding on certain issues, that he himself was an immigrant, had to learn English, was from a poor family and betttered his own situation by going through university.

    I am not an immigrant, am Canadian-born but raised by immigrant parents.

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    1. Jean, you bring up a very good point. Sometimes, because of your location or because you don’t feel an attraction towards them, you just don’t date them. I live in a small town with an even more smaller Hmong community. And this Hmong community consisted of mainly families with the same last names. Growing up, it was hard to find a local Hmong boyfriend because of the taboo of dating someone with the same last name. Many girls opted for relationships with guys from out of town or out of state. Those who didn’t care for long-distance relationships dated non-Hmong guys.

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  4. I think much of what you have written pertains to the “stereotypical” Hmong family who allow themselves to be products of the environment. IMO.

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  5. Great blog you have here.

    I am a Hmong-American woman married to a European and we have been together for over 6 years, because we are each others’ best friend and we share common goals, passions and pursuits in life. More importantly, we love, respect, support and trust each other unconditionally and have always embraced our cultural differences as a positive force to bridge our two worlds.

    My family (especially my very traditional Hmong father) had their reservations in the beginning, but gradually they have grown to absolutely adore my husband and also see in him all the great human qualities that I fell in love with – integrity, morals, values and etc.

    In all honesty, I have to say that with my husband being a highly educated individual with a successful international career, it did make it a lot easier for my family to accept the possibility that our relationship could work. In addition, my husband is very open-minded, respectful of the sensitivities underpinning our cultural differences and has always shown and maintained consistency (from day one) with his genuine interest in wanting to learn more about our culture (i.e. He took my parents to Laos for a whole summer to see, understand and experience our culture from their perspective and through their eyes, in order to enrich his learning process).

    Personally speaking, there are no reasons as to why I dated/married outside of our Hmong community. I was born and raised in the US, grew up in one of the largest Hmong communities in America (with strict Hmong values and principles). In the end, I met and fell in love with a white man from Europe. I found my equal in all aspects of my life and it didn’t matter whether or not he was Hmong.

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    1. *correction – I found my equal in all aspects of my life and it didn’t matter whether or not he was Hmong or any other ethnicity for the matter.

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    2. Sometimes, love just takes you down a different path from what your family would wish for you (and themselves). I’m glad your family accepts your husband now.

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    3. That’s good for you. But, I also see many of my female friends and relatives married outside of their race and out of the 9 that I know, only one is successful. The rest of the couples have so much marital problems and 5 already divorce and are considered old maids in their thirties. Yes, Hmong tradition are sometimes not the best way to go, but please remember that other race have their own problems worst then us. I urged you to keep your culture and traditional believes (the good ones) and never forget who you are and where you come from. Past it down to your children too.

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  6. If u hate Hmong guys then this is the article for you. As for me i saw it differently. This is incorrect and written from ones opinion. Not much of it is true. It’s okay to date other race I agree with that. But just because u grew up in a messed up family or married into a mess up family doesn’t mean every Hmong family out there’s is F up like yours. Proud to say my dad is the best person in this world. Cooks and clean for us always bringing us together.

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    1. What do you mean by “If you hate Hmong guys, then this is the article for you?” This is not an article about how to not date Hmong men. It’s simply answering the question of why certain Hmong women do not date Hmong men. Of course this is all my personal opinions on this matter. And I’m happy for you that your father does not fit into the “traditional” Hmong male role.

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    2. I don’t believe this article is intended towards “Hmong Men” bashing. MB is just opening up a new paradigm of thought around why more and more Hmong Women are moving towards inter-racial relationships. And if you look across all ethnicities, inter-racial coupling is becoming more and more prominent as the world becomes better connected through the advancement of information technology, and being able to bridge people from across the globe.

      To re-iterate what she has written:

      “There is no right or wrong way on how someone lives their life, who they fall in love with, or who they choose to stay away from. Today’s blog will help you understand why some Hmong women do not date Hmong men…”

      And in her conclusion:

      “We, as a society, have generalizations of the poor, the rich, the young, old, fat, skinny, etc. Many Hmong women may believe that all Hmong men are the same when in actuality, they’re not all the same. Get to know a Hmong man and you may find that he is different from what you had expected…”

      For myself, personally, I don’t see love and relationships as being compartmentalized into different groups and sub-categories of people staying within the boundaries of their own race/culture. Whether you marry within or outside your ethnic group, the probabilities of success / failure are the same. It is up to each individual to make a relationship work, regardless of the color of their skin.

      I’m not married to a Hmong Man – does that mean that I disrespect or hate them (or even my own culture/people)? Absolutely not. My marrying outside of my culture had nothing to do with this. I simply married someone I loved and couldn’t imagine living without, someone who I felt could challenge me, enrich and add value to my life, and share the same goals and aspirations as me. He could have been Hmong, African-American, Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, and etc… It wouldn’t have mattered.

      Love has no boundaries, limitations or segregations… only people do. And in so doing, they create conflict within themselves and others.

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      1. Thank you for reading my article as is and not taking the assumption that I am bashing Hmong men. Of course, I knew this was inevitable because it is a sensitive topic to many Hmong men.

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  7. If you hate hmong guys or hmong people then this is the article for you. As for me I saw it differently. Most of it isn’t true and is just ones opinion. Just because you grew up in a mess up family or married into one doesnt mean all Hmong families out there are F up. For all I know the divorce rates for other races are freaken unbelievable. And yes in today’s society men in general are not as educated as women not just Hmong men.

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  8. i agree with Nhia – As someone who has spent several years working specifically with Hmong Men youth, and being among the first wave of US born to attend college – I’ve realized that the dynamics and culture of hmong men has dramatically changed. This is not the first time that I’ve heard Hmong men being describe as lazy, uneducated, lack ambition, yet those individuals fail to realize that our struggles are deeply rooted. As a Hmong Man, I find it highly offensive, and it shows their ignorance and lack of understanding of our community. I believe that finding a partner, and love should not be bounded just to their community, and I also believe that one should not be enable by their community — stigmatizing Hmong Men in this manner does exactly that.

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    1. Yes, some do it out of ignorance, but I believe most do it because they are aware of the responsibilities of being a Hmong wife and the dynamics of family life within a Hmong family; and that is not the kind of life they want to live.

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      1. i agree that genders roles should be broken down and Hmong men should be more proactive in themselves – helping their partner when it comes to work, family responsibility, and duty. These are all learned behaviors that can taught starting at a young age. What I see is a problem are women who are aware of these issues continuing to enable their sons to perpetuate this cycle. Lets be honest here – it’s not just in the Hmong community but evident among all communities.

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  9. Before you judge us Hmong men too harshly, consider this:
    We live in a country that has always subjugated us through the media. We’re taught that “white” skin is beautiful, that white people are more civilized and successful in life. In fact, the very idea of interracial marriage is most often depicted by a white male with an ethnic female. We see this everywhere (television, movies, stories, posters, etc). In contrast, minority men (especially Asian men) are usually depicted as geeky, ugly and un-heroic. Needless to say, if you buy into this crap, you’re part of the problem, not the solution.
    But here’s my main problem:
    Everywhere I hear people spout things like: “love is color-bind, we are all humans, yada, yada, yada.” However, they turn a blind eye to racism staring them in the face. Avoiding your own kind IS a form of racism. It says you’re embarrassed of your own culture. It’s so easy to say, “Hmong men are too traditional, uneducated and unsuccessful in their careers,” while avoiding the fact that YOU ARE Hmong as well. At least we Hmong men are willing to face these problems! We’re not turning our backs on being Hmong simply because things are tough. We’d rather preserve our integrity than sell out. In contrast, using interracial marriage as a way of improving status is a copout for those who think they’re too good for their own kind. However, they don’t want to sound “racist” so they do it in the guise of political correctness.
    Besides, if you look at the census numbers they don’t reflect a very important aspect – time put in. Compared to every other ethnic group in America (including white people), Hmong people have the greaest success in the shortest amount of time. Within a few generations, we’ve managed to produce doctors, lawyers, engineers and senators. Not many groups can boast the same. Yet, it’s come at a cost: we’re losing our identity because many insist “being Hmong” is too traditional and deters progress. But I say, assimilation isn’t progress, it’s cultural suicide.

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    1. I don’t believe Hmong women (or any other women for that matter) are turning their backs on their culture when they choose to date/marry men outside of their ethnicity. It is a personal choice and whether or not you agree with it, they still have every right to do so. And to me, culture is never stagnant, so assimilation, or “cultural suicide” as how you put it, is inevitable—especially so when we live in a country where the mainstream culture is not our own.

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      1. I disagree. The Chinese have been here almost as long as Caucasians and they are still Chinese. They have integrated, but not assimilated into something other than Chinese. By your regard, we should all just lay down and become white-washed simply because we live here. Anyone who is proud of their own heritage wouldn’t do that. You can still be “Hmong” and live here; it’s just people like you that choose to leave it behind because it “seems” inevitable.

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        1. Jack, have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, Hmong women don’t want to “lay down and become” what their mothers and their mothers before them? That they want more of a life than to become someone who has no voice, no opinion, no identity of her own? I love being Hmong. I just don’t love the gender inequalities that come along with it. Your example of the Chinese, the Chinese also struggle with gender inequalities. Not as much as we do as Hmong women because they have been here longer. Comparing our history here to others is not comparable at all. Yes, we have many educated Hmong men and women who have achieved what many would call “the American Dream” but we have even more young men and women still falling into the traditional roles and duties that set them back years behind their fellow peers. Are we slowly getting there? Yes. Just because I chose to NOT marry a Hmong man, for many reasons, doesn’t mean I have turned my back on my culture or my people. The role of a Hmong man has always been to provide and take care of his family. Our fathers did it. Their fathers did and so on. Here, in America, some may take care of their families, some may not. What does that make them? “White washed?” What happened to them? So, until you can solely say we are abandoning our culture when we chose to marry outside, I would stop to take a look at why it is happening. Just because I’m Hmong doesn’t mean I have to lay down and have the men dictate my life for me. We have assimilated. Maybe the problem is, our fellow Hmong brothers have not. I’m not “turning my back” because things are tough. I’m going to re-define what it means to be a Hmong woman. We can be mothers, daughters, daughter in laws and wives but at the same time be strong, powerful, opinionated and educated. I don’t think most traditional Hmong men are ready for today’s Hmong woman. That is why some of us have chosen to go elsewhere. Your mentality is the the perfect example of why.

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          1. Mary, you are just too good for ALL of us Hamong men! That is why no Hamong men is good enough for you and you chose to marry a white guy instead.

            This is what your argument boils down to.

            Because you are trying to claim that an aspect of the traditional Hmong culture from Asia is somehow being used here in the USA to stop Hmong women from having careers.

            Guess what? When our parents and grand parents lived in the jungles of Laos, nobody had any careers to worry and talk about!

            Imagine this: Let’s assume you have a PhD and have a financially successful career where you make a lot of money.

            If you wanted a Hamong man, then it could be assume that you would want a Hamong who also has a PhD or makes as much money as you, if not more.

            Now ask yourself this: why would a Hamong man in today’s Western society not want his wife to have a successful career that brings more income to the family????

            And why would Hamong parents of this Hamong man not want the income you provide for the family????

            If this Hamong man is intelligent and successful, he will likely be very Westernize as well, no different than a white guy.

            So the only way your complaints would apply in this scenario, is if you *chose* to marry a dumb Hamong man and this dumb Hamong man felt emasculated by your intelligence and success. But if you had a PhD and a great career, why would you marry a dumb Hamong man in the first place?

            Now imagine this scenario: you only have a highschool diploma and the best job you can get is a cashier.

            Let’s assume your Hamong husband is not too smart either, but he is able to get a job that pays more because he lands a factory job.

            Let’s say your husband’s job requires you to move thus requiring you to quit your cashier job.

            Then is it really a big issue to have your so called career be second to your husband’s career?

            And guess what? Even if you husband was not Hamong, he would still expect that you sacrifice your cashier job for his factory career!

            How many men, regardless of their ethnicity and culture, would sacrifice their careers for their wives careers?

            How many marriages end in divorces in today’s Western society when either spouse is force to sacrifice their career for the other??? HINT: not many

            Is that age old saying: career or love? which do you want more?

            If you truly had a career worth pursuing, as a woman, you are better off to pursue it before getting marriage.

            So the point I’m trying to make here is that your grievance about career opportunities here in the USA, has no relationship to the Hmong culture or personalities of Hamong men.

            Go read my post below about emasculating your husband as well.

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            1. EDIT:
              How many marriages end in divorces in today’s Western society when either spouse is force to sacrifice their career for the other??? HINT: *many*

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          2. Not assimilating isn’t a problem. There are plenty of Italian-Americans, Latin-Americans and Asian-Americans who hold onto their cultural roots and traditions. And “no” I’m not a traditional Hnmong man who wants to be an overlord. However, I believe in integrating Hmong culture with the society we live in. I believe in what it means to be Hmong, first and foremost. That means fixing the problems we have from within. It doesn’t mean jumping ship the moment things get rough, which is what many Hmong women have chosen to do (including yourself). Do you honestly expect me to believe in that within the large pool of Hmong men, you couldn’t find ANYONE compatible? No Hmong men are educated and sophisticated enough for your white fetishes? Sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve known Hmong men who would make most white men look like morons. I come from a new breed of Hmong men who are educated, confident and successful. Yet, we are humble enough to realize social changes are needed to uplift our own. It would be so easy to do what Hmong women have done; marry outside so you don’t have to deal with the problems of Hmong culture gap. But we Hmong men have a responsibility beyond what any Hmong woman could understand.

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  10. I sincerely hope that sometimes we can laugh at stupid stereotypes and work through all these disagreements. In the end, it’s not about emasculation of Asian guys because one is not dating them or about some Asian women who don’t fit the blonde bombshell (reminds of some Asian chicks who try too hard with their blonde dyed hair,etc.):

    http://lostnchina.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/date-chinese-man-nightmare/
    http://lostnchina.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/chinese-stereotypes/

    Written by a Chinese-Canadian woman. I don’t know her.

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  11. I wanted to finish this: One needs to look at the longevity and health of a marriage/partnership. That is the real test of all.

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  12. Hi. Im in a situation where my mon and dad dont approve my relationship. My boyfriend is mien mixed wit hmong. His mom is hmong. However, my parents totally disapprove since he’s not hmong. He is half hmong after all. Does it really matter? My parents has been lecturin me bc i wont break up wit my bf. Like a young teen. U think he’s the right one for u. We both do look a like and act a like. He is everything to me 🙂 the thing ia my dad says if i marry him. It’ll be a disgrace to his name. My dad is a well known hmong man. A well respected man also. He hates mien ppl :/ so does my mom. I c no bad thing about me datin a mixed guy. He is still hmong after all. But im kinda iffy stayin wit hin bc my mom says he is no good. And well do no good in my life 😦 and if we do get marry. She told me never to contact any if my family members. Not even them. They also told me i wont know my own cousins and be like my bf’s mom. Shes hmonng. My mom says do i want a life who im a no body? But according to my bf. He aays his mom does still have hmong cousins she still contacts. Im so lost. I dont wanna gi e up on my bf bc i love him. He is the first 🙂 but yet i dont wanna diaappoint ny parents. But i already had made them sad wit the choices ive made. So what should i do? Hold on and see if my bf will prove my parents wrong? Or listen just for their names? Helppppppp lol

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    1. I am truly sorry to hear your story. You’ve probably heard this one too many times, but I have to say it: only you know what it is you need to do to make yourself truly happy. Sometimes, you have to make compromises and sacrifices. Ask yourself what is it that you’re willing to give up and what is it that you can’t. How does your boyfriend treat you? Is your relationship worth it? Will your relationship be worth it in the end? If you are under age, you are under your parents’ care until you turn 18. Keep in mind that if you follow a path and things don’t go according to plan, it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on and you can always turn lemons into lemonade. Good luck.

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    1. You do have a point here. If you read my domestic violence in the Hmong community series, you will find that our culture sets the stage for violence in the home. And murder or murder/suicides is an extreme measure of domestic violence.

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    2. The statistics do not support your claim.

      Domestic violence among Asian/Pacific Islander couples are the lowest among all the minorities.

      Asian males and white males have about the same number of reported domestic violence cases.

      Domestic violence is related to economic opportunities.

      When a white guy kills his asian girlfriend, it is always brutal. There have been a few high profile cases in the last decade.

      Google: white guy kills asian girl

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  13. Hi, I casually stumbled upon your blog after trying to seek other views on interracial dating… I’m Hmoob and I have dated one Hmoob man and 2 other men who are not (which includes my current boyfriend who is Mexican American -more American than anything)… Anyway, I read this entry about what factors contributed into Hmoob women seeking men from differing backgrounds… I must say you are so on point!
    Thinking back on my ex, I am just not at all impressed with Hmoob men in my experience. Although I have only ever dated one Hmoob man, the other Hmoob guys around our small California town was not much different and I can take observational notes on my many male cousins from numerous bigger cities as examples of what I didn’t want either! Gathered from all that, my impression of Hmoob men is very very very poor, to make their lists of unflattering and unimpressive qualities will be near to endless (you have mentioned a lot of it in this blog entry already)! And this is very sad if Hmoob men are supposed to lead our future generations. At this point, I’m glad that our Hmoob women are going out to seek more suitable and compatible partners. I sure am and I still love being Hmoob, speaking Hmoob and sharing our culture with someone who is not 🙂

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    1. In terms of physical beauty (genetics): Mexican women > Hmong women

      There are so many beautiful Latino girls to choose from!

      So before you go bragging about how unappealing Hmong guys are and how appealing Mexicans and other non-Hmong guys, truly be honest with yourself.

      Why would a good-looking, confident, and successful Latino stud want to marry a Hmong women????

      If I was a such a Latino stud, I would not marry or waste my time with a Hmong woman.

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  14. This is from my own perspective. I too, don’t date hmong men. It’s not that I don’t find them attractive, nor do I hate them, ect…But honestly it’s because I feel like I will never “fit” in with the expectations of being a nyab. I grew up going to school with non-hmongs. Hence why I can barely speak the language. My parents are very strict but they don’t follow any of the old traditions. (Like for example, if I go out too late pass 10pm. I won’t be forced to get married.) Growing up I’m aware of all the responsibilities of being a hmong daughter. I’ve seen it/ heard stories about it my entire life. In a hmong marriage, a wife must obey her husband and her in-laws. She has no right to speak upon herself and if they have problems within their marriage, it’s never the husband and wife fixing it. They always go to the elders to talk about it. But ironic how it would be blamed only on the wife. Like I said, I’ve seen it/heard it my entire life. And when I dated that hmong boy, I felt like I was married to him. This is why I don’t think I would ever fit being a nyab. Not because I’m lazy or anything but because I have to stand up for myself especially if I never did anything wrong. I have to talk back if he’s accusing me of anything and I will never let anyone step on me. Dating that hmong boy was 9 years ago. And ever since him, I knew the next hmong boy was going to be the same. I never dated hmong men since. I love my culture, I have pride in being a hmong women, and I respect our tradition full hear-ted. But I feel like our hmong system hasn’t involved. I feel like there is still “Male-Dominate.” And I feel like hmong women aren’t being appreciative as they should be. A lot of the hmong men nowadays, still expect that same life-style. Getting married young, having kids, have their wife stay at home, cook and clean for them. But they don’t understand that hmong women now, want to finish school, they want to be successful, they want to be independent and they want to be able hold a career for themselves. We want someone who agrees similarly to us. Someone who has the same mind-set when it comes to finance, education, and goals. It’s not just “white men.” Lots of hmong women date other race and for the same reasons.

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    1. Yes, the patriarchal Hmong culture plays a big role in the decisions Hmong women make on whether or not they will date a Hmong man.

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    2. Here is what Hmong women like you don’t understand:

      It doesn’t matter what ethnicity or culture a man is … a man has to feel like a man.

      I guarantee you, that if you *emasculate* your boyfriend/husband in any way, whether intentionally or unintentionally, he will leave your azz … regardless of what ethnicity he is.

      No man who has any pride and self-esteem will put up with any women that makes him feel any less than a man.

      No man in their right mind would commit themselves to a women who they feel makes them feel any less than a man.

      This advice exists in every culture: a man should not marry a women more superior than him in beauty and intelligence because it will just lead to problems in their marriage and family.

      Every society that still has a culture is like this!

      That is why the traditional Hmong culture (back in Asia) asks the Hmong women to not step on the head of her husband! Because it will lead to domestic problems!

      In Western society, there isn’t much of a culture any more, but this rule still exists! It is simply the NATURE OF MAN to need to feel like a man.

      Maybe you are more intelligent than most Hmong men. Maybe your beauty intimidates most Hmong men. Maybe most Hmong men are insecure around you.

      But to the non-Hmong man who was grown up in this Western society, who has more money and who has a stronger identity (thanks to the media), he is not threaten by you at all. You, as a Hmong women, do not *emasculate* your non-Hmong boyfriend/husband in any way.

      In other words, your non-Hmong boyfriend/husband feels superior over you. That is why he does not feel insecure that you will leave him for somebody better. That is why he is with you!

      But if you emasculated him and made him feel insecure, if he doesn’t leave your azz like a real man, it will eventually lead to domestic problems and perhaps domestic violence.

      Why do you think the divorce rate is so high among Western men? Why do so many Caucasian men divorce their Caucasian wives to go take advantage of young ethnic girls from countries like Thailand?

      If you were more financially successful than your non-Hmong man … if your career required you to be away from home more than your non-Hmong man … if you asked your non-Hmong to sacrifice his career to be a stay-at-home dad so you could advance your career … if you required your non-Hmong man to be a house maid more than you … etc …

      I guarantee you, your non-Hmong man will eventually feel emasculated and leave your azz for somebody else who makes him feel superior like a man again.

      Do you understand what I am trying say here?

      You grievance about the *traditional* Hmong patriarchal culture applies to your relationship with non-Hmong men as well.

      You just need to stop blaming the Hmong culture and Hmong man, and look at your relationships from a human nature (psychological+evolutional+biological) point of view.

      When you do this, you will see that whether you are with a Hmong man or non-Hmong man, the same human nature about relationships between a man and women exists.

      The grievances you have about man does not disappear by being with a non-Hmong man.

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      1. You’re pulling shit out of your ass because you feel inferior to women and you would never have the wisdom and courage to admit that men and women are equal in all aspects of life, liberty, and freedom. No women (Hmong and Non-Hmong) would ever want to be with someone like you who thinks he’s the shit and has to exert his dominance in everything and everywhere. Good luck!

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        1. Whao! Where in my post did I claim to “think I’m the shiet”?! That sounds like your own prejudice against Hmong men.

          I was clearly talking about Hmoob women like you who think “they are the shiet” and believe that non-Hmong men are so much better than the “evil” Hmong men.

          That is the real Bull-Shiet.

          Let me try again to make you understand:
          A *real* man needs to feel like a “man”. That is not the same as saying he has to have *dominance* over you. It is not the same as saying he has to have 51% power and you have 49% power.

          A *real* man needs to feel like a *man* just like a *women* needs to feel like a *women*.

          You understand and respect the desires and needs of your man, just like he tries to understand and respect your desires and needs as a “women”.

          There is no such thing as 50-50 equal power in a relationship. Any psychologist can tell you this.

          It’s about respect and seeking a balance that makes the relationship work best for each person.

          See how you got so angry and fought back with tough words against me?

          That’s because you think I am a Hamong man … and you have NO RESPECT for Hmong men.

          If you thought I was a WHITE MAN, you would be all giggly in agreement because you view the WHITE MAN as better/greater than the Hmong man.

          You respect the WHITE MAN more because you believe what the media propaganda has fed you!

          If you thought as highly as Hmong men as you did white men, you would not be so angry over your perceived inequalities about Hmong relationships.

          You think a WHITE MAN is more fair than a Hmong man? 50-50 equal with you? LOL

          Yeah, that’s why Obama had to pass the Lilly Ledbetter Equal Pay law to force WHITE MEN to pay women equally.

          Try it. Step all over your non-Hmong husband. Make yourself the head of your family. Really … *emasculate* your non-Hmong husband … and see how long he will put up with this.

          It doesn’t matter if he is Hmong or non-Hmong, every man has a tipping point. You emasculate him passed that tipping point, he will leave yo azz.

          Time will prove me right, when our community starts seeing all the divorcee Hmong women who thought non-Hmong men were better.

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      2. I’ve been married to my Hmong husband for 12 years now and I have to say what makes and breaks a marriage will be as Hamong Man says. It’s not about who has the higher education, who makes more money, who cooks and cleans, who is more beautiful or intelligent. I will tell you my marriage is not your typical Hmong marriage now. It’s about adjusting, compromising and understanding each others needs as time goes by, but also know and respect each other as individuals. Your circumstances will always change and you will need to know how to adjust. And you always have to constantly work on your marriage.

        If you want to talk about who has a the better education, it’s me as the Hmong wife. Who has a better paying job? Me. Who is the sole supporter of the family? Again, me. I chose this path in our marriage as an individual and he supported.

        My husband is now the stay at home husband. He does all the cooking, cleaning, house chores, and handles the finance. All I do is work.

        Does this mean I have emasculated him? If I did, our marriage would be over. I respect his decision and him as an individual. I know that without him as the back-bone, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

        Does this mean he has given up his dreams? Hardly. He still dreams, but the thing is, we have a common dream. How we get there, are 2 different paths that will eventually meet. He does not plan to stay at home forever, even though selfishly, I would like him to. It won’t help us meet our dream.

        We have had 12 years of ups and downs. Anything you want to throw our way, I think we have somewhat lived it from the traditional marriage with in-laws to non-traditional culture. It’s been a roller coaster ride.

        So to the point now…Hmong men should not be generalized or emasculated. I believe everyone is unique. Who you choose to be your spouse is on you, and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. And…

        Emasculating is a huge problem that many women need to become more aware of. You, as the wife, have the power to empower your husband to be better. It’s patience, understanding, acknowledging successes and just being nice. Voice your opinion when you need to and let him make the decision (It’s going to be the one you want majority of the time anyways. If your husband loves you, he’ll want want to make you happy.) You provide the support he needs to be a better man and just trust him.

        And ladies, don’t forget to be a woman. Be a woman first (get all your needs met – helps emotionally), then a wife and a mother and then any other roles you may have. You really can’t be one without the other if you want to do it right.

        My 2 cents…

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  15. I totally agree with a lot of points, and I am a Hmong male myself! Honestly, to hell with cultural standards if you’re unhappy (sorry if you’re offended). Don’t be subdued by the system, especially if the system treats you unfairly. My only concern is that, like you said, not all Hmong men are the same– I do not fit the “Hmong Man” criteria; I don’t drink, I hate COD, I hate Hmong weddings or events (sorry too much alcohol and fatty foods), I’m a bodybuilder and I am highly educated– I like to think so anyway haha. However, believe me, I completely understand your perspective. Many of my peers and childhood friends have fallen into that stigmata– I’d say about 90 percent of them; very few of the males made it to or are in college. It makes me worried when I see that the bar for Hmong men is set so low educationally, but they’re essentially the king of the household in the Hmong community. In analogous, the magnitude of the educational standard for Hmong women, or at least they’re performance in schooling, is astronomically greater than the performance of the males, yet they’re role in the household is expected to be nothing more than that of a regular, dull housewife.

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  16. It’s vice-versa since some Hmong men don’t even date Hmong women. Not because they hate or find Hmong women ugly, it’s because of the dating gene pool they faced. In college your likely hood of meeting another Hmong person is very rare. Yes! In high school there might be a lot of Hmongs, but when you’ve reached college, mostly all the other Asians you will encounter are Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Japanese. Plus, there are a lot of Caucasians in college.

    – I’m Hmong American and dating a Chinese American girl. My parents are cool about it since they are Americanized and raised in the USA since they were toddlers. My girl’s family is also “cool” about the relationship since they’ve been here since the late 1800s and are very Americanized. They mostly speak English and hardly know much about China.

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  17. Being Hmong and dating a white man…my mom really really hates it! My dad doesn’t seem to care and just knows I’m happy 🙂 my mom is super traditional! And gets upset with me because I’m not dating a Hmong guy. She sees him as this “gangster”, “bad” type of person when he plays computer games and is majoring in computers…I just want my mom to see him just as a person, not because of his race…

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  18. Generalizations are a common issue in any community. The reason why we generalize so much within the Hmong community is because we identify ourselves as Hmong. We’re surrounded by Hmong people all the time. It worsens when we view our surroundings as a representation of our people, which is naïve being that every individual is different in their own right.

    The whole “domestic abuse” issue can’t be attributed solely to the Hmong community, as men in general are capable of such things. We see it in the media. We see it in pop culture. Yet it’s okay to automatically attribute it to Hmong men because of familiarity. I condemn it, and I know many Hmong men who do as well. With that being said, how does it become a Hmong trait?

    I think it’s unfair when a Hmong woman uses these generalizations as an excuse not to date a Hmong man. It sounds so much better when a Hmong woman dates a non-Hmong man because she loves him, rather than her philosophy about how all Hmong men are these stereotypical, asexual, misogynists group of people. No more stereotypical small penis jokes too.

    Asian men in general get such a bad reputation in pop culture. Asian women have it bad, but so do Asian men, in different way. We’re portrayed as everything written in the last few sentences of the last paragraph. Perhaps these portrayals find their way to the masses, influencing them of such idiocy. William Hung. That Asian guy from 2 Broke Girls. Are we to be compared to the likes of these guys forever?

    Jeremy Lin. When he broke out into the mainstream, it gave us Asian men hope. It showed the world that we can be sexy. We can be successful. We can break free from the negative stereotypes that plagued us for years.

    -Revolutionary Hmong Man

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    1. I doubt that it has ever occurred to these Hmong women that domestic abuse could be the result of Hmong displacement. Hmong men have always upheld their position as the family’s main provider. When they came to the USA many of them could not work decent jobs and had to rely on government assistance. Things like that deflate a person’s self-esteem and the typical result is aggression. This happens all the time with soldiers returning home to a wife and family that has changed (or created new house rules while he was away). That’s why military wives suffer from physical violence all the time. And look here! Many of our fathers were soldiers!

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    2. Ah, hell no! You did not just bring Jeremy Lin into your argument!

      The China man has killed and put down the Hmong men for many centuries after the Hmong man gave the barbaric China man fire!

      It has been the oppression by the China man that has held back the Hmong.

      As a Hmong man, I am not Chinese. I am especially not Taiwanese-American!

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      1. I didn’t intend to go that far back into Hmong history as I was trying to focus on the immediate Hmong people. But glad that you brought it up. Obviously, Hmong displacement has carried much weight in our people. Is it that shocking that our Hmong men sometimes act as they do? Think as they do? Me thinks NO. Their actions are very on par with the hell that they’ve been through. I can’t imagine our Hmong men laying down their lives in a war they didn’t start, only to come over to a country where their women and children are ingrained with a teaching that says “men are the enemy”. Our Hmong men did not lay down their lives for that kind of b.s. So for a Hmong woman to say that she will not date a Hmong man is more than offensive, it is criminal. If it weren’t for that Hmong man, she would not have reached the shores of America to date her white man.

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        1. My post was in regards to Lil G’s post about how Jeremy Lin’s success has somehow improved the image of the Hmong man.

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  19. this article can easily be scripted in reverse, and the same applies for hmong women as well. Its stupid for hmong women to always complain about hmong men clubbing and drinking all the time when the women are doing the same. One of the reasons women can’t find a decent educated hmong man is because they are looking in the wrong places. It’s obvious that hard working men tend to not go clubbing or drinking all the time because hard working people have their priorities in check! they plan for the future and don’t live day by day like others. in essence, you are personified by the people you are around, and if you (man or woman) are always at the clubs, you are going to think there are only those types of people around, and therefore the stereotypes form.

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  20. I’m a Hmong American woman and I feel this way since who knows when. I’ve had bad experiences in the past, but I do know that not all Hmong men fits the stereotypes. I do respect them as long as they respect the choices that I make and do not talk down on me. I love being Hmong, but I do not want gender inequalities as someone put it. I don’t want to be ignore and be known as a someone’s daughter because my “identity” is from my parents. I want my own identity yet still embrace my culture. It’s sad that it happens in Hmong churches. You have the Hmong men talking and shaking hands with the same sex, but they don’t even do the same with the Hmong women. I understand there is culture differences and age-wise, but to be outspoken about our feelings or passion is not embraced. Men eat first. Are you kidding me? I do not want kids, and it is a huge deal when it comes to the Hmong family. I want to travel, get my Masters, and do other things. I want to be independent but also interdependent. I still respect my parents, elders and help around like anyone should. I will not be submissive and passive when it comes to my own health and freedom.

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  21. The title of this article is offensive and if it had been written “Why Some Hmong Boys Do Not Date Hmong Girls”, the very same women who agree with the writer would feel insulted. If these women want to date and marry outside of their ethnic group why must they first justify their rejection of Hmong boys? Whatever happened to “because I was available at the time and not only did we connect, we seemed to be very compatible”? The language used is purely offensive and if you don’t think so then all you have to do is insert these words: “Why Some White Boys Do Not Date Asian Girls”. “Why Some Asian Girls Do Not Date Black Boys”. Purely offensive however you look at it. The rest of the article is even more injurious because it’s a laundry list of subjective opinions about the culture. It implies that such Hmong values are inferior. I happen to think that the traditional gender roles are a good measure of how husband and wife should live together and manage the the life they share. If only our younger generation could uphold them because what the article fails to point out is the role of the man (the husband). The structure of the Hmong culture is rich, beautiful, and family-oriented. It also considers all members of the family. Those who criticize it do so because they don’t understand the culture, their role, and how to make their role work for them. The women who carry this mentality are no better than the Hmong men whom they have stereotyped as chauvinistic. They are not the progressive thinkers that they hoped to be. If they are going to accuse Hmong men of abandoning Hmong women then aren’t they doing the exact same thing as soon as they gain an advantage in life that is afforded to them by living in the USA? They’re also misguided if they think gender inequality doesn’t happen in other cultures. American women fight it every day. However, when the Hmong women puts the white man on a pedestal then she is blinded from seeing his flaws. She may even accept his superiority since she believes it’s his rightful place to be at the head. Continuing on, a few mentioned about the financial stability that a white husband provides but they forget that Hmong men are at a disadvantage based on circumstance. It’s an apples to oranges comparison.

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  22. It’s really funny to read this article and some of these responses from these Hmong women who praise how wonderful their non-Hmong (mostly Caucasian) boyfriends/husbands are compared to the stereotypical Hmong man and his lowly Hmong culture.

    If’s funny because of how misinformed and uneducated these Hmong women are in the history of these Western cultures.

    How long has it taken for Caucasian women to be viewed as equal to their Caucasian men counterparts?

    Caucasian women in the United States didn’t even have the right to vote until 1920! And we all know too well that even today, women of all races are still not equal to the Caucasian male in Western societies.

    President Obama only recently signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009.

    The traditional husband and wife roles that Hmong women complain about have existed in Caucasian cultures since the beginning of time! These traditional roles were still prominent in many Western Caucasian families in the 1980s. Caucasian women were *slaves* to their Caucasian husbands even up to the late 1980s!

    How great were women of all ethnicities treated by these apparently more superior and thoughtful Caucasian men throughout history?

    I will wager that throughout history Hmong men have loved and treated their Hmong wives much better then these Caucasian men and their so-called superior culture.

    Why is the divorce rate so high in Western cultures if Westernize men are so much better than the barbaric refugee man?

    Why is it that you find in places like Thailand and Mexico, the majority of men looking to take advantage of young girls are Caucasian men?

    And let’s be honest here, in terms of genetics, the Hmong genes don’t stack up too well against most other ethnicity, especially Caucasians.

    So let’s be real honest so more. If I was Caucasian man, I would not marry a Hmong women.

    It is a only loser Caucasian men who cannot get a decent Caucasian women that would even consider a Hmong women.

    Inter-racial marriage in the Hmong community is still a relatively young *experiment*. So it will be interesting to see as time goes by, what the statistics would be for domestic problems and divorces among Hmong women married to non-Hmong men.

    If history is any indication, it will statistically average out to be roughly the same to Hmong women being married to Hmong men.

    Now, I’ve jumped around a lot of here. I haven’t even touched on how the Caucasian male created media brainwashes the masses to believe the Caucasian male is so great.

    And what I’ve written here is no essay by any means.

    But what I hope to convey with this post is that: there is nothing great and better about non-Hmong men!

    So your reasons for not wanting to date/marry a Hmong man has more to do with your PERCEPTION that Hmong men are less appealing – physically and financially – than other non-Hmong men like Caucasian men.

    The Hmong man has been thrown into the white man’s created world. The white man has manipulated this world so that non-White men – like the Hmong man – fails, and the white man takes everything that belongs to him.

    But slowly and surely, the Hmong man will rise up to a much stronger position. And women of all races will be dying to get with a Hmong man! LMAO

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    1. Any other women except for the Asian woman knows that Feminism is deeply-rooted in opposing the white man’s dominance. Nonetheless, the Asian woman uses Feminism to oppose the Asian man by viewing the white man as pro-feminism. Asian women do not know their American history very well.

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  23. The Hmong women and men should do their homework and explore more before ever coming to a conclusion that is based on one’s own experiences and assumptions. Nobody is perfect, and just like those who only see’s the shallow side of life, it seems like you are not the educated person you thought yourself to be. To those who chases after wealth, stability and the “well roundness” in a person remember that us the Hmong people are not made of such. Money does not have all the answers, and if it does then shallow is as shallow comes. Money comes and goes, same thing goes in every relationship that started in the same manner. Domestic violence is always tough to decipher in a relationship. Both sides are always wrong, whether it be the one side or the other.
    In conclusion, the topic such as “why some hmong girls do not date hmong boys” is a topic really based on how much a “hmong girl” really knows about their culture and the many different types of “hmong boys” out there. Given no one is perfect like prince charming or whatever race you like, but you have got to give credit to the hmong boys out there for trying. We might be not be as educated as most of “You” or tune our focus to being an adult as much as you preferred, but at least we will still accept you for who you are. Thank you.

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  24. My husband tells me that he is thankful for those Hmong women who leave their Hmong kind to marry other races. That way, the defects go off to other races while the good Hmong genetic traits are still being kept in our Hmong species. He says, Hmong women who marry other races are either 1) lazy 2) feminist freaks 3) rejects, so when a white man, black man, Hispanic man, or other non-Hmong man marries her, all he has to say is “Hallelujah, ua tsaug ntau ntau.” LOL.
    Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if our Hmong sisters or Hmong brothers marry outside our race. Do what makes you happy. As long as you live your life like any law-abiding US citizen does, it’s “ALL GOOD”.
    Being married to a Hmong man, I’ve experienced all the hardships and craziness a Hmong wife and nyab would endure. I will admit though, if I had to do it all over again, I would still choose a Hmong man. There’s just that beautiful connection you have with your own kind, your family that you will and can never have with a person outside of your race.

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  25. You know I love blondes and everything American. I was raised in an American culture that constantly streams white American culture down my throat on every level of news, entertainment, and media. I want to look like James Dean, rock like Elvis, and date Marylyn Monroe. At a younger point in my life I felt my Hmong genetics was inferior, there was a short struggle for identity, and acceptance. I might have even fit that stereotype of Hmong Boys you mention. What you categorize as “Hmong Men” are actually “Hmong Boys” and don’t insult my Hmong Women by masking young Hmong girls as Hmong Women. Let me help make that clear distinction and separation. Maybe you haven’t met a quality Hmong Man. One who values his culture and preserves his heritage. One who honors his elders and respects his Women. One who protects his community and shelters his family. Perhaps you forgot about the thousands of brave Hmong Men who laid their lives for you to have this opportunity. There are brave Hmong men who never had the opportunity to educate themselves and have a decent life because circumstances of war. A lot of good, honorable, admirable Hmong Men died before their time. You are too young to remember these men and their qualities. I will stop there.

    As for the Hmong girls…

    Hmong “Nyab”. Focusing the argument around the expectations of duties as a “Nyab” to alienate themself and stereotype Hmong Men is such a shallow analysis of bad preparation and planning on behalf of both parties. The scenarios you are describing are that of a young girl married and not living independently of his/her parents. There are high expectations and responsibility as a married couple, and without the experience and maturity, not to mention education, it is an uphill battle. To use this as your argument for Hmong girls not dating Hmong boys is preposterous. Once again the Hmong girl proves right of her ignorance towards her Hmong Man.

    Education Standards …

    Wow serious, these stereotypes could be said the same for these Hmong girls who decide to associate themselves with the boys you mention. What is to be said about these girls who participate in such similar activities? There obviously is some equal irresponsibility on both parties. Should Hmong Men just pass them up and marry outside of their race?
    From my experience there are very few Hmong Women who meet expectations of such high standards and truly break the stereotypical Hmong girl. Yet I hope that every Hmong girl grows up to realize that she has the equal opportunity to do so with the man of her choosing.

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  26. It’s interesting to see all the different view points. Great discussion. I agree with some of the points within the different view points. For many years I was brainwashed into the dominate mainstream White American culture. I saw majority white people at school, white people on television, white people in the community etc. I knew I was Hmong, but I don’t think I was ever really conscious of it…it was like the white dominance was subliminal and in my unconscious to think I am a white person too… When I was a young teen, I of course had crushes on white guys, I even at one point, for a literally a second, wanted to be white. I thought I would end up with a non-Hmong guy. Note that I was definitely not on the high attractive list for a Hmong girl for the Hmong guys at my high school, for various reasons. But I was also a late bloomer and didn’t get into boys until later when I was 17 or 18, when most of my Hmong girl friends were already dating at 13 and 14. Anyway at the end of it all, I actually ended falling in-love with a Hmong guy. We’ve been together, through thick and thin for 12 years now and still going strong. And as I got older I started to see how much I was unconsciously brain washed. Now all that being said, I have nothing against white people, but being an Asian person, I personally want to see my own kind now. I get sick of turning on the television and all I see are white people. So I rarely watch television. I find other resources to watch other people of color. I have nothing against interracial dating. I think it’s awesome! As long as the relationship is healthy and there is balance and compatibility with the couple, I agree it shouldn’t matter the race. I also want to mention, my Hmong man and I are more westernized and not traditional at all.

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  27. I’m disappointed. After reading through this, what I keep seeing and seeing over again is that women choose other races to marry because Hmong men are less than. Less than what? Whose expectations? Yours, or is it because you yourself feel less than and to make up for it you marry outside your race thinking now you are better? I have heard my whole life, “Hmong men are losers”. But that can’t be true, can it? My brothers are not losers. My father was not a loser. My grandfather definitely was not a loser and so on.

    I’ve watched my own sister marry outside of Hmong. I saw her thinking she was better and letting her husband slander Hmong men. I saw years later, her reaching out to her Hmong people again and wanting to be part of Hmong. I guess you’ve got to live and learn.

    It’s okay for you to marry outside of Hmong. It really is, but you don’t need to slander Hmong men for your justifications. What’s wrong with purely saying, “I love him and he loves me” or “He was the one”. Was that really not enough justification for you? Don’t go around blaming others, specifically, Hmong men for your own lacking.

    And I’m sorry if you never met a good Hmong man, because believe me, there are some. But that goes for all and doesn’t just apply to Hmong men. I have dated outside of Hmong and in Hmong and my chosen preference was Hmong. Why? Because this Hmong man opened all my doors, lavished me with gifts, which was easy enough to do, but he kept proving his love time and time again. I don’t believe it had anything to do with the fact that he was Hmong, it was simply because he loved me.

    What is so hard about saying, “I fell in love with this man here”? Who is going to really fight you then? What can anyone really say to you? — “Oh, you married him out of love? How pathetic!” And if you are not married and dating, why can’t you list all the good things about your boyfriend instead of comparing him to Hmong men? “These are all the reasons why I love him or why we are compatible”. You really don’t think that is sufficient? Then the real problem lies within you. Don’t you think?

    My 2 cents….

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  28. Hi. Uhm, eugenics is sort of an unacceptable concept in society today but is one of the more offensive reasons I’ve read here of why a Hmong woman and non-Hmong man would marry…

    It really doesn’t matter, the ideal woman. With big breasts or little breasts, red hair, blonde hair, or black hair, short legs or long legs. As long as her personality is right, if she’s charming and a good person…

    It should feel natural, not forced. I think culture and tradition ought to be valued as long as it works and preserved as long as necessary as possible. If it’s not broken don’t fix it. And if it doesn’t work don’t use it. Or adapt, but there’s no point in worrying about it. You have to ignore your obligations sometimes, no negative outside force can distract you from your true feelings. And our feelings change, everything does, as we get older. No rush, just think it through. I think if it feels right, then yes.

    I think Hmong girls are great. It’s rare seeing such respect for a man like mens chivalry toward a woman. I don’t like the dissatisfaction I sense from the older women. I’ve only noticed there are equally as many Hmong girls who want higher education as there are men. Hmong girls deserve more than the gender role they’re assigned. It’s really up to them and they should be supported in any decisions they decide to make. Appreciate your Hmong women.

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  29. Sometimes Hmong boys get possessive over their girls as well as racist towards boys of other races who they see as trying to steal from them like any other Asian boy.

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